I'm Dr. Adam Sheck, and I'd like to welcome you to the "Men After Fifty" Community! Living for more than half a century on this planet is a rite of passage and I wanted to create a place where we can share our wisdom and experience to help each other and to help those who matter in our lives. As true for many "men after fifty", I've had a number of careers over my … [Read More...]

This is a very insightful analysis. It shed light on an issue I have been wondering about. Well done! And thank you.
Larry,
Glad it made sense to you, thanks so much for being part of “Men After Fifty”.
Take care,
Adam
“They feel like only those battling with them “shoulder-to-shoulder” can relate.”
Adam,
I have a male friend over 50 that suffers from the above statement. I have known him for 11 years and I witness him all the time becoming one purpose driven. He will get into a certain project, and if you are not in the project with him, the friendship lessens. It is happening currently in our friendship. When I expressed how his absence in our friendship effected me, he seemed to just not get it. I have grown to learn this about him over the years and it has never changed no matter how many times we have discussed it. I have come to the conclusion that he is not committed to changing the behavior and I either have to learn to live with it or just walk away from my attachment to the friendship. Any idea of how to better get my message across to him?
Susan
Susan,
I can certainly appreciate your dilemma. My experience as a psychotherapist over the past twenty years is that people don’t change unless they WANT to change and even then it’s not an easy road to do so most of the time. It sounds like your friend understands what you are saying, he’s just not able to experience the price he pays for the dynamic or the emotional “price” isn’t important. Your conclusion is one that any Al-Anon type program would recommend (as would I) and that is to either accept your friend the way he is and accept the limitations of the friendship or move on.
Wish you the best on this,
Adam
Thanks for shedding some light on my current situation. My husband (40) up and decided to get a divorce without any counseling or any warning to his oblivious wife. He’s a freelancer in the arts whose work wasn’t going well. I’m a freelancer whose work was going well. As you can imagine, there were lots of complex issues within this, but I can relate to a lot of this post—especially: “Just a little longer, be patient, our ship will come in.” I heard three years of that, with things only getting worse, and he saw any counsel from me as attacks. He had to do it his way or no way. I’m just glad I missed out on the affair you mentioned, which was probably coming next if he hadn’t up and left me.
By contrast, my father is a successful entrepreneur who always put family first. It can be done. Granted, whenever my dad had the option, he chose family over business. But now, he’s a whole lot happier than any businessman I’ve seen who’s made the other choice (including my soon-to-be ex). He’s successful both in business and in life. Pretty cool role model.
Sorry you were blind-sided, but good to know that you have YOUR priorities straight and have good role models as well. If I can be of any support, please let me know.
Wish you the best,
Adam Sheck