I'm Dr. Adam Sheck, and I'd like to welcome you to the "Men After Fifty" Community! Living for more than half a century on this planet is a rite of passage and I wanted to create a place where we can share our wisdom and experience to help each other and to help those who matter in our lives. As true for many "men after fifty", I've had a number of careers over my … [Read More...]

Great post Adam and welcome to the dating world after 50! I’m with you!
I love when a man is a man – I don’t do internet dating but coffee would be a great thing for internet dating or any dating. There has to be an attraction – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually or else why go any further.
Dating in the 50s is a blessing because I hope that people know by now what they want and what rocks their world. As far as future dating, I think it’s only fair to have the man pay for the first date and then I hope the woman would take the lead and pay for the next one – it’s only fair and it shows that you too want to be a giver.
In gratitude for your post Adam,
Nancy
Nancy,
Thanks for your thoughts on dating after 50. There’s not much sexier than a woman who knows what she want, I completely agree.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
Clearly, this is multi-factored issue! One thing I try to consider is the relative financial resources of each dating partner. If one is clearly wealthier than the other I think that it’s wise to factor that into the decision about who pays, especially after the first date. I know – it gets complicated!
Thank you Adam, for raising this question, there are many of us puzzling over it!
Back in the 1940’s (teen yrs), You were either too scared to make advances or too aggressive and flirted with fatherhood. Today, it seems the aggression is on other gender. Age and menapause probably makes the difference. The only obstacle continues to be religious brain washing. Raising the flag is another when Pfizer, Lilly and Bayer don’t work. Neither does much of the herbal BS. If anybody has a breakthrough revelation, please inform the castrated male world.
I enjoyed the post b/c you looked at the subject from all angles. I am a married female in my mid 40’s and my husband and I married in our mid 20’s. My husband has always been The Man from the first date. I love it and always have. He is a gentleman,one of the things I first loved about him. I think you have to find what works for you both from day one. I dont see the harm in a guy paying for the date but I also think a coffee date is a good start too. I think each situation will be colored by peoples backgrounds,the way they were raised,and the social type area they live in. For example, my husband and I are both Southerners and have spent almost all of our lives in the South. Cultural mores are different in general in the South, and in general more conservative(or old school). For example,my husband opens and holds doors, not just for me, but for any woman near a door.He pulls out chairs,he opens the car door,he carries in the groceries. To him,and to me, it shows respect and caring. ~Do you know why men walk on the street side of a sidewalk? Because a man walked closest to the road to protect the women from dirt or mud being thrown up onto the walkway. This is thoughtful and shows caring.~ But this type of beginning and life doesnt have to be unbalanced relationship wise. A married couple is a partnership and being raised to be a gentleman and a Southern woman doesnt mean one has to lead and the other follow,not at all, two people have to respect each other and respect their situation and become a team. That means being respectful of the fact that who ever buys dinner it’s still our dinner together. I suppose to many, having had all our dates paid for by my husband sounds funny,but it would have been odd to us to have it any other way. And yes, I agree it is an expensive proposition to date, especially for teens and college students. We met in college and our dates werent too often expensive.Get creative.(one of my daughters dates last year was a multi course black tie dinner cooked by her dates mom and served by his younger siblings in white dress shirts and black pants in the gazebo at the neighborhood park complete with white lights hung inside the gazebo-what a great date!) Maybe we are old school,but I want my children,the boys and the girls,to be treated with a level of respect that comes with how they were raised. My boys need to treat a girl as a lady from date one.And my girls need to be treated like a lady by any boy she goes out with.And I feel if people can figure out how to be a couple after they have been dating then they should be able to figure out how to be a couple in finances as well. Having dates paid by the man doesnt mean he is the only one with say over finances all your life,its suppose to be a partnership. Again,I may be old school and I havent dated in over two decades,but I think the basic concept of being a gentleman will never,ever go out of style and will always be appreciated. I also believe if you are comfortable being who you are and doing things you have done(such as buying dinner) why change in your 50’s? There must be some like minded female who would appreciate to see a gentleman who buys dinner b/c thats the way he was raised. And wouldnt you be more comfortable with someone raised like you? and thus be more likely to get along than trying to change the norms you have lived by and know??? Just my thoughts
Adam,
You have dived into some murky waters, my brother. The whole domain of money is quicksand. MY take? Go with evolutionary biology. I used to angst over the issues of power/ fairness/ etc. That was a loser. There is no winner when, on initial connection, the couple bucks the DNA. I say & I do pay up front. And for awhile. The nuances of family finance and fairness will be and need to be worked out later but until then without polarity you are indeed bogus. Dead in the water. I have lost a lot of potential (shall we say) bedmates by not ‘being the man.’ No an intellectual conversation but an unconscious fact for the majority of men/ women. Of course, the proviso is that we are talking about masculine men and feminine women (a la Deida).
For what it is worth. Welcome your thoughts.
RAN
Great post, Adam. I love this topic. My feeling is that women’s lib has confused the women of the 21st century. We have so-called equal rights in the boardroom, but not in the bedroom (so to speak). Dating still seems to be based on primal caveman hunter/gatherer norms.
A lot of women show up as competitive and bossy on a date, bringing their work mode with them. They turn off the ‘alpha’ guys who want to relax and chill with their woman after a hard day at work, not debate and argue over dinner. These women claim to want men who are their alpha clones, but this doesn’t work. No polarity, no attraction.
So, I think women who want more success in attracting men who will nurture them and ‘protect’ them and make them feel safe, need to bring out their more receptive feminine traits.
This is not about changing who you are to manipulate a man into falling for you and then revealing your true bossy lady self once you’ve got him ‘hooked’. No, this is about learning to be more vulnerable in a man’s presence so you can connect deeply to a soft place in him, to stop emasculating men by taking charge of the date, and to be more receptive.
I have had clients who took charge from the first date. He asked her to coffee. She said, how about a walk instead? He asked her to dinner, she suggested another restaurant. She’s making him wrong without even realizing it. She’s taking control. And she’s attracting passive men instead of the take charge guy who will turn her on!
Let him take her to coffee. Let him feel like a man, pay for her coffee, pull out her chair and open her door. She can offer to take him to the theater after a few dates. (She offered after one date). She can offer to pay for dinner or the tip after a few dates.
I went on a third date with a man yesterday. He drove almost three hours to see me. It made me feel cared for that he made such an effort for me. I offered to help pay for dinner. He refused payment. But on the way out of the restaurant, he thanked me for offering. He said that just knowing that I cared enough to offer meant a lot to him.
Yes, it can be confusing, all this masculine and feminine energy stuff. The topic is quite complex, and this comment doesn’t do it justice by touching on the outer edges. But in general, I do think that in dating, the old fashioned ways still hold true today.
Women attract a strong man when they can start out being more receptive. He asks her out, she says yes. He initiates the first kiss, she responds. He takes her to a nice place, she says thank you.
I know from experience as a strong woman that in subconsciously taking on more masculine dating roles, I was attracting men that I wasn’t attracted to. I had to learn to trust more and be more receptive.
I am still a strong woman. Men are still attracted to my opinions and intelligence. But they like my quiet strength. I don’t overpower them. And I’m now attracting the men that I WANT to attract.
I am open to comments on my comment : )
Sandy